When people ask me what I’m into of late, a yellow liquidy substance literally dribbles down my leg as I geekishly declare my love for all things apocalyptic. This image that I’ve so eloquently painted for you reminds me of my brother’s ratbag of a Labrador that has yet to grow some balls and is still basking in his puppy phase where he can’t help but piss himself with excitement when a human comes outside to play. Lovely imagery.  Before you send me to the nut house, may I elaborate?

 

Yes, ok. I have a weird obsession with all things to do with survivalism.

*Queue Destiny’s Child’s, I’m a survivor*

 

In the last year, I’ve devoured all 3 seasons of The Walking Dead & am eagerly awaiting Season 4 (coming in October!), and have glued my eyes to the screen of every other apocalyptic-like movie/TV show known to man. I kid you not. Yes, we all have weird fetishes. So get over it, ok?  At least mine ain’t feet.

 

Should it come as a surprise then that I’m naturally drawn to the ways of the wandering nomads, the self-sufficient and the untold stories of heroic survivors? Yep, sustainable living is right up my alley. I think this whole concept of being self-sufficient, learning the ways of the land and picking up on some basic life skills are just as vital now for our daily living as they would be in the Doomsday scenario.

I know there are others of you out there too. I know I’m not the only kooky one sitting here reading and writing about this stuff. Right? Right guys? *sound of crickets creeking*

 

So get this. Sitting on a train, I sometimes (subtly) let my eyes wander around the carriage and make mental notes of who I would latch onto if we were to somehow derail and find ourselves in the middle of the Australian outback warding off blood thirsty dingoes and venomous snakes. Sure, most would be quick to dismiss the pregnant mother, the 200 pound suit, or the teenage emo. Looks are deceiving though so I try to keep an open mind. Who’s to say that mum-to-be with the belly the size of 10 ten-pin bowling balls isn’t an ER surgeon who may one day save my life by amputating my arm after a zombie bite? Or take that guy in the suit with the muffin top oozing over his trousers. What if he has ninja-like tactical training from a past life as a Navy SEAL but has since gained 100 pounds having broken both legs 2 years ago after being squandered by a rolling army tank? And I don’t doubt for a moment that the emo kid whose black eyeliner resembles the artistic impression of crayon drawings by a 2 year old has been nerding it out on Youtube for hours on end learning how to hotwire cars.

Get where I’m going here folks? And so I think to myself, what skills do I have to offer the world? That is, besides my ever so invaluable and unique talent of popping open corked wine bottles with only but a mere running shoe that has saved many a party where a cork screw opener is no where to be found. Take that MacGyver.

 

How would you fair when suddenly all that you held near and dear was suddenly stripped away?

Imagine no Facebook (although the world would be a better place without your need to showcase daily photos of your fat ball of feline fluff or hearing how you beat your PB at the gym for the umpteenth time as though you were competing for the world title of the world’s biggest gym junkie jackass); the smooth, creamy lattes served by the cute barista with the side swept hair and dreamy blue eyes (*cough cough*); the warm, comfy bed that is molded to your booty and you’ve spent many hours in deep, dreamy slumber and wasted just as many watching hi-lar-ious videos of said fat ball of feline fluff doing stupid things on Youtube); the Jimmy Choo shoes that compete with the Empire State building for soaring to the heavens; the V8 that calls on said heavens to come crashing down when you turn the key on and rev the beast to full throttle (and as my ear drums explode in a bloody mess I’m suppose to be impressed by this?); or the electronic rectangular screen that beams brightly a simple 2D image of a cute little piece of juicy fruit when you boot it up and is all consuming of your time whether that be for work, play or social interaction and you would die without it because as the doctor’s orders, an apple a day…

 

Taking a step back from these things is an earth shattering thought for most. Like SHUT THE FRONT DOOR kind of stuff. But when you strip back all this bam and glam of modern living, man really only has three basic needs when it comes to survival:

• Food & Water
• Safety from predators
• Free from infectious/life-threatening disease

 

When society has satisfied these needs, that’s when you notice a shift in focus to other matters, like social status, expanding one’s intellect, pursuing hobbies or exploring one’s sexual attractiveness. We are now at a point in time, when a majority of us spend more time striving to attain these things than ever witnessed in history before. The sacrifice being, we have become disconnected from those innate survival instincts; the things that have keep us alive for thousands of years. We’ve placed these responsibilities in the hands of people who we have never met in our life and who serve their own self-interests which are sometimes, quite contrary to our own core desires. We’ve relinquished our lives to ‘aliens’ who are not intimate with our hearts; to governments, to corporations, to computers, to the internet.

There will come a day though when all this won’t really matter. For some, that day has already come. For others, it might take something like Earth’s apocalypse in whatever shape or form it comes, for them to get a big fat slap in the face and realise this; that when I thought I had been living, the whole time I had really been sleeping. I am left wondering, how many of us would actually survive if we were left to fend for ourselves?

 

So I ask the question again, what practical skills will you be able to apply to ensure your survival? What will really matter in the end?

 

Now don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not getting around with a machete tucked in my underpants. Nor do I have a 365 day supply of canned tuna in the basement. And no, I do not get around sporting some tin foil hat made from a DIY channel off Youtube because I live in fear of alien’s reading my thoughts. Now that would be absurd. I’m not a total whackjob. I do however, get a high from learning about how to make and preserve food from scratch, foraging for wild edibles, using my creative thinking to recycle and reuse the materials I have laying around and countless other survival/basic life skills.

 

Seriously, what if you were caught in a plane crash in the Amazonian jungles with nothing but a swiss army knife in hand? Or you were stranded by a shipwreck on some remote island with only a football for companionship? Or you were hiking in the Andean mountains, got lost and had to survive off a packet of peanuts for 4 weeks? Or you were stuck on a life raft with a tiger in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and floating around for months on end? And the greatest of all threats, a zombie apocalypse?!

All realistic scenarios here folks.

 I’ll leave you with these thoughts to stir you crazy. Yeah, I’m good like that. You can thank me later when we cross each others paths at the pill counter in the nut house.

 

So you could imagine my complete and utter ecstasy when I heard the announcement by the University of California that they would be offering a FREE online course on Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse based on the AMC’s The Walking Dead. I just died and went to Zombie heaven. The program, “Society, Science, Survival: Lessons from AMC’s The Walking Dead” is a 9 week course that will explore topics such as social orders & structures, managing health epidemics, dealing with stress in disastrous situations and nutrition in a post-apocalyptic world. Need I say more? SIGN ME UP!

 What you do to survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

 

*Please note, I do not actually think we’ll all die to a Zombie Apocalypse… I’m a little more sane than that.